Today has been difficult to say the least. It’s the 6th. We’ve been without Teagan for a month now. It feels like eternity and can’t-possibly-be-real all at the same time. I’m no stranger to grief. It’s a cycle that really isn’t a cycle at all, but more like a seriously wicked roller coaster ride from hell. Only, just when you think it’s stopping and you can step off and regain your footing for a minute and let your stomach settle, it violently lurches forward again, wether your half in or out, it cares not. And then around you go, again and again.
I don’t know how explain today and other days like today. My heart hurts like I never knew it could. I’m trying so hard to suppress the emotions that are scary and hard. I mean there aren’t many that aren’t hard, but man, guilt, responsibility, regret, self blame. Those are the scary ones for me.
Don’t worry. I know I’ll get a lot of feedback for saying that. I already have. I know. I can play the “coulda-shoulda-what if game” for the rest of my life and it will make no difference. It will not change the outcome, but I’d be lying if I said these emotions don’t exist or are easy to excuse. My therapy appointment went a full hour over last night. I’m trying hard to process these things. I’m trying to find the balance between realistic and just downright pointless. Healthy processing and a dangerous spiral. I understand the difference. It just takes real effort sometimes to stay on the right side of that fine line.
Although all of this is impossibly difficult, being without my boy for one month now, also brought some special experiences. There are obviously many things I’ll never share publicly, but for me, grief hasn’t been ONLY sorrow and sad. I can’t just talk about the awful without including the tender little mercies I receive.
You know how people talk about getting signs from Heaven after a loved one passes or signs from God? With all I’ve experienced in my 40 years, you can’t convince me that God can’t do absolutely anything and does. Often. More often than we’ll probably ever know. So, this morning I could feel the wave of pain and the sadness coming after my kids went to school. It was coming and this wave was getting really big, really quickly. I have the cutest little four-year-old who is still with me during the day so going back to bed was something I was consciously trying to avoid. So, I set a little goal to get the living room cleaned and vacuumed. Yes people, these are the extent of my goals these days. We cleaned it up, and the sun was shining outside while my day was getting darker.
I decided to ditch the vacuuming part of my goal, and I asked Bowen if he’d like to go on a walk. Of course that sounded way more fun to him than finishing the living room, so we started off behind the house. As he was chatting away I was thinking about how people talk about these signs from Heaven or their loved ones after they’ve passed. I was thinking about Meghann’s rainbow. Another friend I know always talks about white feathers and an Instagram friend always gets butterflies. As I’m contemplating what mine might possibly be if I’m so lucky to get that, Bowen says, “ Look at that fedder (feather) mom!”
I see the feather and look up at the sky. “Um, really? Ok.”
First of all, I hate feathers. They gross me out for some reason. Always have. I feel like they’re full or germs or something, and I’m totally not a germaphobe, I’ve just never liked them, and all my kids know this. So, inside I’m kinda laughing. I’m like, “Ok, dude. Can we please do something other than feathers? Please?” I explain to Bowen about the whole signs from Heaven thing and he immediately refers to it as “Teagan’s Fedder” and continues to do so for our whole walk making sure I haven’t dropped it. We make our way home.
My amazing teenage daughter offered to grab her little sister after she finished her dance class this afternoon. I gratefully accepted so and on my way home from dropping her off, I made my stop at the cemetery with the extra time. Just as I pulled up it started to rain. So I thought I’d wait it out for a few minutes. A couple minutes later the clouds parted, just enough to let the sun shine so brightly through. You know what I’m talking about. That magical moment when it’s raining and the sun is shining all at once and there’s that misty look and feel in the air! Bliss! I hopped out of the car and grabbed my chair. I got cozy at the foot of Teagan’s grave like I always do and soaked it all in. The sun, the rain, the tears, the sad, the joy, the gratitude. And then!!!!! I look up to see a subtle little rainbow over Teagan’s grave. I felt like he was like “It’s all good ma, I’m good, here’s a little bit of subtle color to let you know.”
Tender mercy. God is in the details people. He’s in the details. Just because we’re grieving or hurting or feel like we’re absolutely gonna die, He is there. He is aware. He knows us. He loves us.
Today was a ridiculously hard day. The ride was relentless and scary and gut wrenching. Definitely a wicked roller coaster ride. But I have no doubt that Jesus walked every step of it with me. That my Heavenly Father is aware, loves me and sends me comfort in all different forms, in just the right moments. I also received a visit from a sweet friend who played with Bowie, brought me a gift and cried with me. Another friend checked in with me all day and sent me a song that is now on my fave playlist, and other friends recognized that this might be a difficult day and reached out. Another mom who knows the pain of loss to suicide, reached out in love and support. Through all this grief and the hell that this is, I am blessed. I can never express my gratitude to all who are loving me through this. #Godisinthedetails